okay its been a long time since i updated. 1 word . lazy. plus playing too much time management games. they're lame and simple but i like them. most of it involve opening a cafe and selling food to people, multi tasking etc. hahahah

i went to thread my eyebrows and did a henna colouring on my hair yesterday.  there's a slight brown tinge to it but my hair is nice and shiny. but it smells of henna now. which is a seaweed-ish smell. i hope the colour comes out with more washing. or i have to subsequently dye my hair with henna every month to achieve a nice effect. its au natural. i like! and my eyebrows look soooo much neater. this is by far the best threader i've been to in little india. i always try different beautician when i head down to little india to thread my eyebrow. think im sticking to her already. and my henna dye too. the henna dye job was damn old school,

first, she applies the henna on my hair and twirls it on my head. then thick strands by thick strands are wind around the first strand of hair twirled on my head. all the hair gets twirled onto my head and its damn heavy. the henna dye is the colour of shit, except more greenish. then they wrap my head with cling wrap. i found that very funny. hahaha. i've used cling wrap to build a hamper b4. like a roll of it. anyway, they do treatment on my hair with a damn old school hair treatment machine.its those that is attached to the wall. very 80's sort of big bobble that is put above your head. the steam was fucking hot. then after about 20 mins, they remove it and let the henna stay for about 1 hour.. the final touch is to wash off everything and wait for the colour to come out. i can see brown hair under light and sunlight la.

its my bday today. weeeee.

i didnt have the time, chance or company to visit the columbarium on monday. but i figured that i didnt really need to go. her card is in my wallet all the time and i think about her occasionally. and i miss her dearly too. her God had plans for her and i think she has definitely gone to a happier place.  but nevertheless i will remember you every year, jac. maybe i will make a trip down to the columbarium with karina when she's back in singapore.  the last time i went was last march.

am gonna head down to sevenatenine with my love in the evening to celebrate my bday! thank you people for all the well wishings :D im 20. already. so darn faaaast.

okay gtg do work

somehow when i see them painting their canvas with beautiful strokes and colours, all i can think about is how they had times when they scrawled badly too. i could never figure out which way to go. it shouldnt always be that beautiful? or it should be? because the inspiration was not there anymore.  it was beautiful. very beautiful.  all the words spoken about. grey areas i supposed. but still beautiful in its own way.

week 3 of school almost coming to an end WEEEEEE

let's see tutorials have started and im still trying to adapt to my 8am classes. woke up at 7.50 am today. ahhh the convenience of staying in hall. this convenience of staying in hall is a giant pull factor for me to continue staying in hall if i actually can make it into KR this year

today's 8 am class was well worth rushing for anyway cos it was a good class. i mean i spoke up and all and participate duly. health psychology tutorial. i came out of the class feeling a little thankful for my health because im still young, sound and active. there will come that age when you have to start worrying about pain, illnesses and death. let's all treasure our health while it lasts! stats tutorial was boring i was stoning most of the time. had a fruity breakfast by myself. i heart me time.

was a busy bee yesterday.i;ve been using my time properly this week so im happy about that. had safety comm duty and din manage to go for dinner with gee they all. sian. oh well. 5th feb okay! was on duty for volleyball. it was rather exciting and i was thankful that kimberly was there. she's prob one of the closer friends i have in hall. rushed down to rehearsal after that. sometimes i wish i could contribute more but i need to know my place. im really just waiting it out for a good project to be involved in.

have been meeting momo for lunch for the past few days! <3 we're both in the west in the afternoon so its really quite convenient for us to meet for lunch . i have real long breaks in between my late afternoon classes and morning classes anyway. we;ll always have lunch, then walk around abit. <3 little things to make my day!

dramafest is coming... approaching... i wont be able to go home during the weekends. yikes. i kinda miss my family lor. i'll try to make it back next week!

i need to go shopping too. finish up my cny shopping, need a pair of shoes and prob a handbag. haha. o i need to go thread my eyebrows too. i cut my hair short recently. and was almost tempted to go and dye my hair. but i didnt in the end. it was kinda expensive. so it threw me off the hair dye job. my mum would prob have yelled at me for dying my hair. haha.

okaaaaaay. i gtg take a nap. long night ahead with rehearsals and all.

took this from rabiah's blog! hahahah

this was me when i was at my most hardcore mugging EVER. somehow things started going downhill after that. in case you dont know, im the second one from the left. haha i really dont know what we were doing. but that was my 4E1 class t shirt. oh god i dont know where the shirt is now.

4E1 days. hahaha. especially towards  o level. we were so stressed we started playing with the toilet door outside our class. closing it and trying to get out of the toilet without the door touching us. yours truly suggested doing that. i suggested doing a lot of stupid things in secondary school. like... prank calling, putting seaweed onto my teeth and looking stupid. wa lau i did a lot of stupid things in secondary school. har di har har. i miss doing stupid things.

and now we're back to reality. im turning 20 in two weeks time.

why does everyone have issues with what i do , what i want and what i say? fuck. being invisible vs chided by the ones who actually see you. i prefer being invisible really because there will be no one there to bother you with whatever you wanna do. call me angsty but just let me do what i want. im still figuring things out and also trying my best to do things right. in many situations. not just this.

i should just fly off and disappear for a year on SEP or something. then i can go and find myself and what i really want. i hate this stagnancy. i hate the environment. i hate a lot of things right now. i know im trying to run away from reality but excuse my daydreams. i can't even immerse myself properly into theatre. i wanna dig a hole and bury myself in it and never come out. but if i go off, i will miss my mother. she only have issues with me coming home too late. and she buys me fruits and all the things i like. hahaha. oh well. i actually miss my mother on weekdays you know. i mean she's the only one who cares about the mundane details in my life (like my ahem bowel movements. she should be happy because i am eating more fruits nowadays) and im not complaining. she declined a pedicure treat from me -.-

ergh. i need to bloody punch something.

i need to study hard. i need to study hard. i need to study hard so i can keep my scholarship. so i can continue doing the things i am suppose to and then become someone without real passion. and really its not the first time i ask myself why i put so much passion into issues i care about. because sometimes it just comes back to bite me in the ass. maybe its me. maybe i'm some selfish, psycho, control freak who cannot deal with changes properly and loves to cry a lot. i love and hate me at the same time. i really want to work things out with you properly next time. its really an issue of give and take. we all want to give but someone's got to take. sometimes. i love you you know? very much. i shouldnt just apologise but really improve things on my side. i'll try okay?

sigh. anyway on to random rantings. im done with all my current issues. hahaha. guess i feel better with all the rant and all that and it doesnt matter whether anyone reads it or not. haha i shuang can already omg that sounds very lianxxzz.
anywaaaay
 

i realise i speak a lot faster to my secondary school friends then the people i currently know now. maybe because i revert to my younger self when im with them. i like laughing with them. gives me a good abs workout. laughing hard is therapeutic because it feels like all the bad energy inside me is expelled out. chang sheng, ziwei and i were at neu look yesterday and ziwei was kneeling with one knee between two crescent shaped chairs and i walked past behind her, accidentally pushing her feet that was elevated. her knees went between the cushions and she fell down. hahahahahah and her slippers dropped off. I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING. i felt really bad though. hahahha. but it was fucking funny and its been a long time since i laughed like that.

we went deep into the seletar camp after that to have our night picnic. it was damn stupid. chang sheng and i ended up laughing non stop cos we were trying to have a picnic on a helipad with cereals and fortune cookies. hahaha. it was stupid. but fun. all these awesome people. trained back to harbourfront with seet after our dinner. i can yak on and on and on with ziwei. we're onto our 11th year of friendship. maybe that's why i am really really comfortable talking to her about any shit. pretty amazing. 11th year! this is the 7th year with the evils. haha friends since we were 13. i can't wait for our reunion bbq! its prob THE most important gathering for our gang. haha. nobody misses it at all. im really looking forward to it.

and of cos im meeting up with the MOQers soon!!! celebrate a early valentines and bday with them :) can't wait to laugh at everyone and make fun of everyone and finally catch up with the busy NS boys. and of cos monday lunch gang who booked me for brunch! yikes im gonna be pretty broke. but ahh first step into adulthood you know. momo booked me on my actual bday but i have no idea what's gonna happen. so yeah.

ahhh i gtg ..... study. my cafeworld is not loading. im very annoyed. shall try later. omg im feeling sleepy. i just had some yuan yang! (coffee plus tea plus milk). studddddddy.

i shall go and cut my hair tml. snip snip snip. i cant bear to cut it off though. i like my long ponytail. and i need to buy shoessssssss. GERALDINE GO SHOPPING WITH ME.

awesome loots that i got today out shopping :D:D:D:D

pretty butterfly ribbon pendant necklace from f21 at only $7. floral chiffon skirt at $14 and mango cardigan at $19. weeeeee. awesome deals . i am satisfied with my purchase todaaaaaay. saw a pair of strappy heels. <3 may consider getting it. but im just afraid of blisters :( but its pretty pretty! and it has a slightly chunky heel which will make walking more stable. oh well. i cant take my eyes off floral clothing. yikes. its got to stop.


someday my tears wont be of any use. we must get through this.

week 2 of school. here i goooooo.

dont know if its monday blues but im feeling kinda shitty. i dont know if its because of you , it , she, he or they. oh well. look on the bright side! *smiles brightly into the mirror* week 2 of school. tutorials are starting. i hope i got all my tutorials if not i will have to beg for good time slots manually. but good thing is i'll be taking a seminar module and a practical class for 2 theatre studies modules and that pretty much gives me only 3 modules to register for tutorials. though i end at six on 3 days of the week this sem, i have a free daaaaay. so im quite happy with it. and those classes ending at 6 are the psychology modules. it isnt that bad  really.

i've been eating a lot of fruits lately. like up to 5-6 pieces of fruits per day and i dont eat anything much. o maybe some vegetables and tofu that sort of thing. i figured  i could make the effort to eat healthier, better and lesser so i can lose weight. and probably detoxify myself. god knows the amount of rubbish i put in my mouth daily. so yes, im eating a lot more fruits, less rice and salty meats . i hope i can continue to do that for the next few weeks. maybe i can shed some kilos for the coming cny. hurhur. no dont worry about me eating too little and all because fruitarians apparently exists. meaning, they eat nothing else bu fruits, like vegetarians. and fruits have so much protein, vitamins and fiber in them! so yes eat more fruits today! they are waaaaay cheaper than normal food too so i can save up some moolah. just check out all the pros that i listed of eating more fruits :D

of course, during the weekends, when i have to be out eating and there's no canteen for me to buy cheap fruits, i have to eat normally. i try not to drink sweet stuff i guess.

dramafest is approaching and im not feeling the heat. oh well. need to look at lines so i wont embarass myself infront of everyone during combined rehearsals which really is waste of time cos you spent the rest of the time just watching the other groups. the time would have been better utilised for rehearsals. we could always watch each other during bump in or fulll run. and we do need a lot of rehearsal now that its only about 2 weeks away exactly. the reason why they wanted us to watch is to that we can give our feedbacks and comments and all. most of the more important comments came from the producers anyway. oh well. rules to follow! and i will try working harder for the play.

i kinda hate this stagnancy that i am in now. school's fine. relationship's fine. i do meet up with my friends occasionally but i need the money to sustain it you know. but all the extra activities that i am doing with my extra free time doesnt contribute a lot to my emotional growth. LOL. okay fine i wont put it this way. i guess i just gotta wait for my schedule to settle down before i go and look for things to do.

for the longest time since school started, i have felt very much invisible. literally. you go to a game, you sit there, nobody talks to you as much as you make the small talk. then when the game ends, people cheer in triumph and all you do is pack up your kits and leave. nobody knows. you just leave. nobody notices. the feeling of being invisible seems a little overbearing at first, but after that you grow to like it. you grow to like it because you start to realise whatever fuck you do wont affect others and nobody will notice. you are left to your own device to think what thoughts you want, carry whatever actions you want out too.

 i spoke to belinda that day at the arts canteen. she shouted my name across and i was really surprised to see her. we went on to talk about how different things, people and environment are in jc and uni. i dont know if  AJ did a good job in training us leaders but i know we emerged as competent individuals if i might say so. it was a very good talk with her because for the first time ever, i found someone who truly understood the position i was in and was not in a position to judge my abilities in a social setting but see the environment and circumstances i was in. she was in a different situation that i was in but she understood my position because it was similar in a way and she talked to another school mate about this too. so i was really glad to have met her and talked to her about it. she called it a heart to heart talk. haha. it was funny in a way because these werent HTHT material but hey, its what made us feel so jaded when we're entering our prime or in the midst of it.

that day was a good day too.  in the morning, some random guy from my psych tut last sem just came to me and said i look familiar. hahaha . i was waiting for class to start and he was nice enough to talk to me. i guess its another person i can wave hello to when walking down the corridors. :) then i had my TS friends from last sem in class with me and then i met belinda. it was a good day overall. and i ate healthy haha. so yeah. good days are a rarity but its something to look forward to when it hits you unexpectedly. :)

here's wishing my readers a good day ahead :) no monday blues okay!

wokay first week of sch as usual is a slackeroo. have gone for 2 lectures so far. so this sem, im taking voice studies, crossing boundaries in performance, health psychology, statistics for psychology, and the literature exposure module.

the lit module seems pretty interesting and i wanna forget all that i learn in jc about lit and start everything all over again. this morning's lit lecture was a introductory module and i liked my lecturer a lot. she talks really fast so you have to pay good attention to her and i liked her attitude towards her students.  so she was saying those without a lit background may have a advantage simply because those who did lit in a level or o level bring over bad habits from what we learn back in jc. so yeah. i hope i can learn another approach to analysing texts. we're doing king lear, waiting for godot and the great gatsby plus the film hero. this is all pretty innteresting.  the modules that i am taking sem covers texts that i've been wanting to read but haven taken the effort to do anything about it. hurhur. crossing boundaries in performances is a seminar style module that look how gender/racial identity is constructed in different texts. again, we're doing texts that i am familiar with. a doll's house. looking forward to that since i watched an excerpt of it in theatre studies. othello. of which i did at a level. i would really love to visit it again. kuo pao kun's mama looking for her cat, a piece of local theatre. :) and a few more texts which i hope i will be able to grasp.

figured i need to think and listen more when it comes to lectures and modules you know?

so after lecture today, i headed down to vivocity to do a little grocery shopping feels kinda nice to be walking around in an almost empty shopping centre. haha. walked around looking for clothing for chinese new year! saw a really pretty floral bustier dress at forever 21. forever 21 is loveeeeee. haha. chanced upon this boutique with pretty chiffon floral print clothes. tried on a few maxi dress and figured i can't really carry them off and my mother will prob think im crazy for wanting to wear such a long dress. but the prints were so pretty and the lining inside was so comfortable! why aren't i taller ? :(

anyway i've decided to cut my hair a little shorter. and im probably gonna give it a dye job. i hope i wun end up having very very dry hair. should i ask my mother? or should i just do it and go home and shock her? but the thing about dying your hair is that you have to keep covering your roots back.  i hate hate hate it when people dont do it. its very ugly. ugly ugly ugly. tts why i keep thinking about whether i wanna dye my hair. but knowing me, i will prob get it back to black in a few months time. maybe that will be you know my birthday treat for myself. we'll see.

i will probbably take up the tuition job if the tuition centre accepts me. i think i can cope. i hope i can. hall activities are very blaaaah. for me i dont seem to know why. i never expected this. it is with distaste that i view some of the hall activities. i dont know, im either not interested or i think its too lame. combination of both. momo asked then why the fuck am i in hall? i dont know man. convenience? still having hopes of actually doing something fulfilling? today i figured i gotta take things slow. its okay if i haven't found anything that interests me so far. its okay if the things im doing is not fulfilling enough. i just need to take time to figure it out. see what opportunities are out there. i was thinking of not staying in hall next year. focus on my studies, join nus stage or other theatre groups, teach abit of tuition, spent the rest of the time travelling back and forth. that should be about it for year 2. but who knows right? that's just how miraculous life can be right? you sit there at that instant, thinking, expecting what you would be doing for the next 1 year and bam 1 year has passed and things are completely different. i guess this is what keeps people like me going on. living my life. cos i will never know what is going to hit me.

meanwhile i also gotta think about what i wanna do for my long holidays because it will be here before i know it. next staje's production will be in 2011. so i wont be involved in anything for next staje. i stil wanna do some theatre stuff though. or i will prob find work! a bakery perhaps?

anyway, i've got lessons on soon at 4 again. im gonna head down to the library and photocopy readings and head off for my psych stats lecture. this sem i dont need to travel to other faculties!!!! weeee. after the lecture, i will have safety comm duty. hopefully i will have the energy and motivation to hit the gym afterwards :D

can't wait for the weekends. omg its my dad's birthday.

you play around with your words. i will always remember you saying you will have a solution to things. no not all the time. none at all actually.

the holidays are ending soon. im getting a dinner treat from bryan tml night if that's a consolation. yes i guess i will look forward to that. other than that, bidding for modules is like going to war. you need to have enough weaponry, courage and attention.

i expect storms soon. its the second time in this week that i;ve slept at 2 am, writing. wanting to badly restore some sanity back into my mind. finding the peace within my chaos. the eye of the storm. somebody help me. such an emotional moment. im calling for help and no one's coming. no one with any solutions. no one at all.

oh well im just gonna sleep it all away and start a brand new day for myself when i wake up. i laughed at myself for saying that. but it will chase the hunger pangs away i guess.

good night world.